BlogHer

I’ve been distracted.

There was the buying of a house, which was way more emotional than I expected. Then there was the cleaning and staging of my house, which was exactly as dull as I expected. Then I went to BlogHer, which was not as fun as I expected. Then there was the offer on our house, which was harder than I expected.

It turns out that selling your house feels a little like throwing out a member of your family. There might be something in there about expectations too, but that’s another post.

And through all this I had Olympics to watch.

Like I said, distracted. When your emotions are on a rollercoaster and you have to shine your bathroom fixtures every 3 hours, you need to empty your plate a little to keep your sanity. What I mean is I had to take a blogging vacation because I couldn’t fit everything in.

Blogging takes time and it takes work, it’s like exercise that way. It’s easy to take a break, not so easy to get started once you’ve let it slide for a little too long.

I like blogging. I like it because it reminds me of who I am and who I want to be. I like sharing my stories. I like the reminder to be open and vulnerable. That reminder stays with me long after I’ve left the screen.

When I stop blogging, even just for a week, I forget about sharing my story and I forget about being vulnerable. Very quickly I become somebody I don’t want to be. Someone who withdraws inside of myself.

For me blogging isn’t about who is listening. I love comments and retweets as much as anyone but that’s not what is most important to me. For me blogging is a reminder to share who I am, all the time.

So I am going to carry on blogging. Through the packing and the move and the unpacking because to give it up and take a break means I am taking a break from who I want to become.

No new house is worth that.

There’s Never Enough Time

I’ve got it pretty good as a stay at home mom. One kid is in school everyday and the other one is in school for 2 full days a week. That’s 2 full days to myself, with an occasional Friday. Not a bad deal.

Once upon a time when I was in the thick of potty training and leaking breasts and exploding poop it seemed like a day all to myself was a very distant light at the far end of the little people tunnel. A very faint light.

Six years it took. It was a hell of a wait. But here I am, my house to myself and time to do as I please.

The thing is 2 days isn’t enough. That sounds greedy doesn’t it? Just how much time to herself does a mother need?

I can’t speak for all mother’s but I think the answer might be infinity and beyond.

Sure it’s fun to pick the kids up after school and hear about their day’s excitement but then there’s a little sadness that I have to leave my personal achievement to do list aside while I get busy parenting.

Last summer I went to BlogHer in San Diego, 3 nights and 4 days all by my own. Of course there were lots of other people but I was only responsible for clothing, feeding and toileting myself. And of course I missed my family, I wished the kids were there to enjoy the gorgeous weather and the wonky shaped pool and I was happy to get home. But I so very much wanted more time. More time to write, to think, to plan, to sleep.

Seriously those Marriott beds were awesome.

I feel a lot of guilt and shame about wanting more time to myself, like I’m a sub-par mother unworthy of her children because I crave time away from them. But the truth is just because I want time to myself doesn’t mean I love my family less, it just means that I have some stuff I’d like to accomplish on my own. You know like, being a person outside of being a parent. It means that I am not willing to let go of all my plans and dreams.

And that I have a lot of catching up to do.

What Blogging Means To Me

There’s Never Enough Time

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